The top of Miss Denali
Edge of the World at 14,000 feet
Day Fifteen- 18th June
It’s Fathers Day today. We had breakfast, packed up the tents and packed our bags. The rucksacks are just so heavy, I don’t think I can make it up the big hill with mine. My Osprey 85 litre backpack is so full I have to tie my three litre-sized water bottles on the outside, my helmet on the outside, my summit mitts strapped to the outside and the sleeping mat is tied to the bottom (that’s normal as it’s quite large). My rucksack is actually the size of a small house. I have been struggling with the weights and loads that we’ve had to carry and I didn’t get the specific training in that I wanted to because of having the race Ironman Brazil after what happened in South Africa with my tyre blowing up. I had a chat with guide Andy and he said that it was a very difficult decision because there’s only two guides now going up with Mike being sick. So I don’t want to jeopardise anyone else trip so I decide to stay here at camp 4.
The other factor in my decision is that there appears to be no weather window for the summit. The team will leave on a wing and a prayer.
It’s sad to wave the others off and as soon as they leave I regret my decision but I must learn from this.
After a little cry I have decided that I will get into the gym and train more on upper body. I won’t let this hamper my plans for Everest because we don’t carry these bloody heavy loads there. And we don’t have to put up camp and take it down every time in the freezing cold. All we have to do is to be fit enough and carry about 10kilos on your back. No sleds. No massive back packs. No cooking stuff, no tents. And I know I’m fit enough to climb this mountain, I just struggle with the carry loads and with ironman training right up to the week before this, I wasn’t able to fit it in.
I have to just suck it up now and live with my decision. It’s so tough and I feel like a bit of a failure. I should have gone up but you know life goes on and it’s a hard lesson. Champions are not born, they are made from those that keep picking themselves up after the failures and not giving in to them. I have really enjoyed this trip although parts of it have pushed me and it’s been really tough. I was just so close. I can see it.
I’ve been thinking about my Dad a lot who went to sleep forever tomorrow, last year. 19 th June- the day after Fathers Day. It’s very sad to think about and it’s quite emotional up here already. I can’t even call my Mum to see that she’s alright. Or tell her I’m thinking of her and Dad today. I’ve only told my roomie Jo, I don’t want to tell the others. I wonder if he’s looking down on me up here thinking ‘what are you doing, you nutter!’ Mind you I think he always thought that anyway. I wanted to take strength from my memories of him because he was a very strong and stubborn man and never gave in. So I feel like I let him down now.
I’ll miss Jo, my roomie as well but I wish them all well now. I just wish I’d gone. I really think I could have done it.
A helicopter came and collected a body who died just 1000 feet above high camp on the west buttress.
I still wish I’d gone.
This year has seen the worst weather here on Denali and the lowest success rates. The team are going up without a weather window for the summit as well. It’s pretty rough up there and they will try and sneak it in on Tuesday but the call is still to be made cos the weather isn’t certain. Also the weather forecasts have been off every day. I’m not sure how they can get it so wrong but guide Andy was pretty good at just looking up at the sky and knowing what was going to happen. And he was always right. Maybe they should give him a job here. Andy the weatherman.
Oh well, at least I get to go home with all my fingers. A guy at high camp got frostbite on 8 of his fingers just going to the toilet. And I kinda need my fingers for swimming.
In the afternoon Mike and I hiked back to Edge of the World and this time it was clear and we stood right on the edge and got some great pics. New FB profile pic lol. I have come to terms with my decision although I regret it and it was the wrong decision. But now I have to live with it. There is no point in being down or letting it get to me because it’s done and in the past. I know what to work on now for Everest. But also I can take some solace in knowing that the things I have struggled with (carrying heavy loads and setting up camp all the time) are not a factor on Everest. Also had guide Mike not been sick then it would have been fine for me to go and maybe come back down. That was never a possibility with only two guides. But I saw how slowly they moved up the big hill with the heavy packs and I know I could have done it. But I still think I would have been fine. The size of the backpacks scared me and I just worried about getting up the hill with the weight. I didn’t want to jeopardise the others on the team.
Mike and I had dinner of our freeze dried food now. We chatted about stuff and we agreed that we should feel good that we got this far. The weather is so bad up there the summit push is quite unlikely. But we will wait to see. The team have a rest day tomorrow and it’s 50/50 whether it will be summit day or come back down day Tuesday.